Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

Dear Former Me,

Grandma passed away today. I’m so angry at the world and I’m so angry at her? Why would she pass away? Why didn’t she want to stay? I promised her I was growing. I told her I was going to do better. Did she really not believe me? I don’t know why I’m so angry right now. She passed away literally the day after my birthday. That’s not fair. I didn’t want her to go. She was the only safe person I had in my life. I don’t understand these feelings. I’m so hurt, angry, and I feel alone. I’m so confused. Didn’t she love me? Was I not enough? 

I know grandma loved me..but I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I don’t have anyone. I don’t know how to be okay. I just want to feel okay again. Today it was so hard to get out of bed. I couldn’t cry though because everyone else is crying. Especially mom. She’s taking this really hard. I know why but it makes me so mad that she is allowed to cry and I can’t. She was always so mean to grandma it literally made no sense. I know you don’t mean these words right now.. You’ll probably look back at these and hate yourself for this.. But you hate yourself already so is it really anything new?

Everybody was fighting over funeral arrangements. Everyone seemed to have the answers and it started pissing me off. IGrandma raised me. She was the only real mother I knew and yet I have to sit in a room with people who claim to be family and really be strong for everyone? I’m so tired of being strong. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be ok. I’m literally going to break. I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t even want to be here anymore. But I have to be. Because I promised my grandma I wouldn’t give up. I will keep going. I told her I was going to make her proud of me and I have to keep that promise.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the answers right now.

But God’s plan. Not mine. Even when it doesn’t make sense… I don’t really know what to Say Evelyn.. Just.. don’t give up.. Do you think grandma knew how much she meant to us? Do you think she’s going to be proud of us? 

I’m sorry grandma for everything. I’m going to keep trying to love people like you taught me but.. What if I can’t remember?

Evelyn.. I know you’re scared right now but you have to remember what grandma told. You’re strong, you’re wise. You can be anybody you want to be. You have 2 kids, you can’t give up.. They need you. Wipe your tears, go show up for them.. For your family.. And maybe eventually.. You’ll find a way to show up for yourself too.

I love you Evelyn.