Dear Former Me- Yay I Guess For a Boyfriend

Dear Former Me,

You have a boyfriend now.. Like not a passing connection.. An actual boyfriend.. On paper, everything should be fine. But if I’m being honest with you… you’re really not happy. And that’s something we are struggling with saying out loud. We’re supposed to be so happy that we’ve been chosen but can I be honest? Just between you and I? If this is what being chosen feels like… it sucks. Like horribly haha. But.. idk.. Maybe we should just be grateful? Even when it hurts. I mean.. He’s not the greatest guy.. Ok actually.. He’s really a jerk. To food workers and wait staff, to your family, to his friends, and most importantly to you. He’s nice to the kids though so I guess that’s a plus? And he pays the bills.. Ok stop doing that! We have got to stop trying to justify people’s bad behaviors. I get it, you really want to believe everyone is good despite their negative actions.. Maybe you’re like that because somehow, after everything you have been through, you still find a way to love.. Even in moments you really don’t want to..

But I think that’s because you genuinely just do not want to hurt people the way that you’ve been hurt..

But this dude? He definitely wants to hurt people.. I don’t really get it but.. Maybe at the same time I do because there was a time in my life when I was a kid when I wanted to hurt everyone around me too. I was so angry. All the time. And honestly, I mean, growing up with people who screamed and physically fought each other was completely normal.. So then.. Why does this feel.. Like it’s not okay? Does that make me a hypocrite? You know, since I used to hurt people, people deserve to hurt me? I don’t know.. I mean.. That’s how my brain works sometimes.. But here’s the thing.. I don’t hurt people anymore.. Not physically or verbally, and definitely not intentionally. I’ve definitely learned to take accountability and apologize for my actions when it’s necessary, even if I don’t always see it that way.. But not like.. Gaslighting or like manipulative i should apologize.. Like.. I genuinely didn’t realize how my actions affected you and now that I see that, I won’t cross your boundaries again.. But that’s only because I learned to trust myself. And because therapy has helped me to understand the difference between apologizing just to apologize and apologize because you mean it. When you apologize, it’s not just for the other person, it’s for you too.. You get the opportunity to grow and learn. But an apology without consistent change, it’s not real.. And yeah.. Change doesn’t come overnight.. Which is where grace comes in. I still don’t have that part down..

I don’t know Evelyn.. This all feels a bit confusing and I don’t truly feel comfortable or happy… and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t feel loved, valued, or safe. I don’t like who i am with this person.. It’s almost like I’m being forced to change into what they want.. But that’s not real growth and love. Like yes, we change when we are with people, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of abandoning yourself. You should feel inspired to do better and explore yourself more. The right person will encourage you to grow but never force you. Just like God.. God wants us to grow. He wants us to change, even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it is.. But he doesn’t force us. He just holds space for us.. This situation only holds space for us if we conform.

We’re going to leave him.. 

But maybe.. Maybe we can just break it off tomorrow. I’m too scared to do it right now.. I just introduced him to my friends. I don’t want to feel embarrassed.