Dear Former Me- I Thought He Cared About Me

Dear Former Me,

Are you sick of me yet? Because I’m sick of me. I really, really, really hate myself right now. I hate that I’m so forgiving. I hate that I seem to piss people off so much without trying. I hate that I change myself hoping someone will love me but they never do. All they do is hurt me. Again. And Again. And again. And I let them.. Because that’s just who I am. I really, really want to hurt people sometimes.. But you know what’s crazier? I hate myself for feeling that way so then.. I just hurt myself. Literally. I literally will do whatever I can to just punish myself because how evil of a person do I have to be in order to actually feel like hurting someone else? 

I’m pretty freaking sick right?

 You know my boyfriend? Prince? News Freaking Flash.. NEVER DATE A GUY NAMED PRINCE. He is ANYTHING BUT A PRINCE. He’s an abusive jerk. I probably could use stronger language but I’m trying to get right with God. Prince choked me.. And not just that he called me a Negro from the streets. And screamed in my face and tried to choke me into the closet.. And I STILL TRIED TO TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS PLACE since he was just drunk out of his freaking mind. Guess what?! That didn’t happen. I had to call the cops on him because he wouldn’t stop screaming from the back seat of my car and then climbed to the front seat and I had to pull over only for him to choke me and spit in my face. 

And you know the worst part? I didn’t want him to go to jail. I just wanted him to leave me alone.. so now I’m going to have to dodge the police because I’m not going to court to testify against him? Stupid? Idk maybe.. but here’s the thing.. I just don’t want to ruin someone’s life even if they really hurt me. And I would rather just be left alone.. I’m tired of always having to fight. I’ve literally been fighting my entire life. My mom, my family, girls in detention centers, boyfriends.. like this is exhausting.. I don’t know how I find myself in these stupid situations.

It’s like… these guys start off really great.. but then.. BOOM full crazy.. and here’s the thing.. I don’t even like fighting. The only reason I ever fought in the past was because my mom would make me fight these kids in my neighborhood.. like literally make me fight them. Or I was on the run after my mom beat me up and kicked me out of the house so .. all of a sudden I was a 10 year old kid having to fight grown women and adults off of me in the streets of Las Vegas.. 

Dude.. why do guys feel like they can hurt me all the time. I don’t even do anything to them… it’s like.. me being happy somehow is me being disrespectful? I should’ve hit him back.. I promise you I should’ve. I need to stop letting people hit me.. I don’t deserve that. I really don’t. It just.. is Normal I guess. 

Idk.. God.. please help me find the courage to leave ..

Evelyn.. if you’re reading this.. just know you made it through. You guys broke up. He wasn’t your man.. he might’ve been a man but not your man.. because any man who loves you wouldn’t put his hands on you, or be verbally abusive. He would love you the way that God loves you. And you deserve that. Even if you don’t believe that right now.. just know that I do.

I’m proud of you for ending the relationship. And if I know you like I think I do, you didn’t do no dramatic exit .. you just let it go with grace. Trust me.. God has something and someone way better than you could’ve ever imagined. Just.. trust him.. Also, if a man EVER puts his hands on you again.. YOU STAND 10 toes down on business and you CALL THE COPS. Never fight men but you have every right to fight against your oppressor. Once a man decides to hit you. He is not a man. He is your oppressor.. you got this.. just keep praying .. it’s going to get better right? Yes.. it’s going to get better.

I love you Evelyn. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you more but I promise.. I promise I’m going to be your protector from now on. I know this is new territory to us.. you’ve never had someone protect you growing up aside from Grandma.. so it’s going to be a learning experience but, we’re going to learn together. We’re going to learn and we’re going to be ok. You know how I know? Because God has been with us through worse. He has never left us empty handed and because I GOT YOU. If NOBODY ELSE has you, just know that I do. God’s plan. Not Ours. God’s plan.

I love you so much Evelyn. You are so resilient. You are light. And you deserve better than anything you’ve ever been through. I got us baby.

Forever yours,

Evelyn