The Soft Power Journal

Tag: family

  • Dear Former Me- I Hate God

    Dear Former Me- I Hate God


    Dear Former Me, 

    Sometimes grandma comes to me in my dreams and we get to talk. She showed me a vision of my life. I actually got married. Can you believe that? I wish.. Maybe one day. I was coaching soccer. I was skinny! Now that’s wild because I’m like 300 pounds. No way Would I ever be skinny haha. She gives me gifts sometimes in my dreams. I keep hearing that’s a good thing. I don’t know how if I keep waking up crying.

    I don’t know how I know.. But I just.. Feel like she’s going to stop visiting me soon. I keep trying to chase her in my dreams when she starts to walk away but she never lets me come with her. I don’t know why. I think she’s trying to tell me that life is going to be ok. It doesn’t feel like it if I’m being honest. It feels stupid. Everything is stupid and it doesn’t make sense. My sister keeps calling me and she’s crying. I don’t want her to know I’m hurting. I don’t want her to see me crying.. She needs me. She’s the older sister but I always feel like I have to be the person who holds everything together. That’s pretty freaking ironic considering I was a juvenile delinquent and everyone loves to tell me about myself.

    Crazy right? How the crazy person in the family becomes the one who has to hold everything together for everyone else? Nobody in my family actually likes me but I still have to be the one to show up for everyone? Uggggh. Am I bitter? I don’t think so.. Maybe just.. Tired of .. dealing with everyone else’s problems and emotions.. I don’t even get to deal with my own emotions.. I literally bottle them up trying to hold everything for everyone else and then when I do tell people I’m close to breaking.. It’s like they do crap on purpose to antagonize me.. Then when I explode and throw a pot roast.. I’M THE CRAZY ONE? Wow. Okay. 

    I don’t even know where I was going with this.

    I hate myself a lot today. I just want to go wherever my grandma is. Maybe I am really selfish for saying that. I don’t know..

    Anyways, If you manage to find this journal entry again.. Just know I’m proud of you for showing up for everyone else but I really hope you learn how to show up for yourself one day as well. Grandma’s not here anymore Ev. You’re all you got.. Well you.. And God.. although, I’m pretty sure at this point God hates us. Great.. Now I’m going to hell.. There’s so many things we’re told not to do or say to piss God off.. But why? .. God gives us emotions.. Why is it bad to feel them? Or express how much God really hates us… Whatever.. God if you’re reading this.. Make it make sense..

    And Evelyn.. If you’re reading this.. I know you did what you had to do for yourself and I know you’re going to be proud of yourself one day.. Like really proud.. Genuinely proud… and yes.. Losing grandma is going to hurt…probably always and forever but you know what? Finding who you are without her constant support? It’s going to be the most powerful thing in the world. You know why? Because I know you.. And I know you will forever remember what unconditional love felt like in this world because of her and you will learn how to extend that to everyone you encounter.. But first, remember to extend that to yourself. Remember it’s okay to not have everything figured out. And remember that you’re not broken.. You just… are finding your way in this weird world. And.. remember the dream .. The dream grandma showed you.. Because one day.. All of it is going to be true… you know how I know? Because grandma never lied to us. She wouldn’t have shown you being skinny, coaching soccer, or one dat getting married if none of that wasn’t real for you. Just.. Promise me something.. No matter how much you love someone, don’t abandon yourself to love someone else ever again.. I know.. It’s really hard for you because .. you really genuinely love people.. But you deserve someone who can show up for you too. So.. maybe.. You’re alone right now.. But you’re not really alone.. Because you have me.. And I promise I’m not going to let you down. And trust God dude.. He hasn’t left our side.. Even if we don’t see it right now. Remember.. God’s plan. Not yours.

    I love you Evelyn and so does grandma.. Even if she’s not here to say it anymore

  • Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

    Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

    Dear Former Me,

    Grandma passed away today. I’m so angry at the world and I’m so angry at her? Why would she pass away? Why didn’t she want to stay? I promised her I was growing. I told her I was going to do better. Did she really not believe me? I don’t know why I’m so angry right now. She passed away literally the day after my birthday. That’s not fair. I didn’t want her to go. She was the only safe person I had in my life. I don’t understand these feelings. I’m so hurt, angry, and I feel alone. I’m so confused. Didn’t she love me? Was I not enough? 

    I know grandma loved me..but I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I don’t have anyone. I don’t know how to be okay. I just want to feel okay again. Today it was so hard to get out of bed. I couldn’t cry though because everyone else is crying. Especially mom. She’s taking this really hard. I know why but it makes me so mad that she is allowed to cry and I can’t. She was always so mean to grandma it literally made no sense. I know you don’t mean these words right now.. You’ll probably look back at these and hate yourself for this.. But you hate yourself already so is it really anything new?

    Everybody was fighting over funeral arrangements. Everyone seemed to have the answers and it started pissing me off. IGrandma raised me. She was the only real mother I knew and yet I have to sit in a room with people who claim to be family and really be strong for everyone? I’m so tired of being strong. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be ok. I’m literally going to break. I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t even want to be here anymore. But I have to be. Because I promised my grandma I wouldn’t give up. I will keep going. I told her I was going to make her proud of me and I have to keep that promise.

    I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the answers right now.

    But God’s plan. Not mine. Even when it doesn’t make sense… I don’t really know what to Say Evelyn.. Just.. don’t give up.. Do you think grandma knew how much she meant to us? Do you think she’s going to be proud of us? 

    I’m sorry grandma for everything. I’m going to keep trying to love people like you taught me but.. What if I can’t remember?

    Evelyn.. I know you’re scared right now but you have to remember what grandma told. You’re strong, you’re wise. You can be anybody you want to be. You have 2 kids, you can’t give up.. They need you. Wipe your tears, go show up for them.. For your family.. And maybe eventually.. You’ll find a way to show up for yourself too.

    I love you Evelyn.

  • Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure Mom Hates Us

    Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure Mom Hates Us

    Dear Former Me,

    You fought with her again-your mom. And afterward, you sat in your room wondering why it always ends the same. You hate how easily she pulls the teenage version of you to the surface. You hate that you end up yelling at her because you love her. But why does she make it always seem like you’re the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Does she really hate you that much? 

    We both know that’s not true… if there’s one thing you’ve learned is that hurt people hurt people. Honestly. Is that right? No. But do you understand? Of course.. Because think of all the people we have hurt in our lives because we were hurting. I know it doesn’t make sense but trauma and anger can cause ourselves and others to do some crazy things… just remember to try to have grace. For your mom and for yourself. One day, you guys are going to get along. How do I know that? Because you promised your grandma. And we love our grandma so much. You remember how when we would clean the house with grandma when we were a kid and no one would be home? Just you and her? Grandma always told us it was her fault mom was like this and made us promise to take care of her when she’s gone. She would always say “Evelyn, love your mom, even when it’s hard.” or “Evelyn, even if you don’t get along with your mom, remember the love i give you and give that to her, give that to everyone even when it’s hard. Don’t let the world make you angry. Be nice and show people love.” Well guess what… grandma is not here anymore we can totally disregard those lessons… but we’re not going to.. We’re going to keep working on our relationship with mom.. Even when it’s hard. 

    Who knows, maybe one day we can look back at this and say that we’re at a better spot with her. 

    I don’t know.. It’s complicated.. Sometimes i wish she could just understand that i’m hurting too.. Give me the same grace that I seem to always give her.. But then again.. We can’t expect her to be able to extend something she never had or learned to give.. So.. we have to do. Not for her but for us. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because even if we don’t agree or like her majority of the time, she deserves love and to feel good too.. You, of all people, should remember what hate feels like.. Don’t be like that.. Be better… Even if no one else believes that love exists, you know that it does because you had grandma. And grandma loved you more than anything in this world.. Even when you tried to push her away. And God tells us that the ones who hurt us the most, we forgive. Because he forgives us even when we hurt him and mess up.. And look at your life now.. Is it not proof of God’s love for you?

    It’s going to work out. You don’t see it yet but it’s going to work out better than you imagined. Remember, God’s plan. Not yours. Just hae faith. Keep going and keep trying. Even when you’re tired. Especially when you’re tired. You don’t have to punish yourself or her.. Maybe just.. Start with boundaries.. We’ve been learning about that lately.. Boundaries with love though, not rooted in fear, power, or control. Just love. You got this. Just.. breath .

    I love you Evelyn