The Soft Power Journal

Tag: god

  • Dear Former Me-Changes Are Happening

    Dear Former Me-Changes Are Happening

    Dear Former Me,

    I won’t lie to you.. I’m a little scared with all of these changes going on. I’ve never really knew how to adapt to changes. I’m quick to want to shut down or I would get really angry about nothing going to plan but lately? It’s felt really good to just simply say that I’m scared and still be open to how life unfolds.

    I’m someone who usually craves clarity but lately, I’ve been genuinely just embracing the unknown. I’m learning it’s often times not as bad as I think. There’s always something good waiting on the other end.

    But still, I still feel scared. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough or that I’m letting others down by wanting to do things differently. I guess if I’m being honest, in a way, I am.

    Not intentionally but still, maybe that’s part of the plan? Not my plan but God’s plan. I don’t always understand God’s plan though and that causes me frustration but I’m trying to open up space to just allow God to do his thing. It’s not easy. I’m really not used to this.. emptiness in my life.. or at least, the feeling of emptiness because when I actually zoom out, my life isn’t empty at all.. but still.. it feels like I’m forever waiting for something that isn’t really quite here yet. Or like maybe I’m just missing it.

    Either way, I’m just learning how to trust the process.. I hope that I’m doing it right. Every time I think I’m doing good, this little voice in my head creeps in and causes me to doubt everything.. I’m working really hard to not trust the voice but trust my heart instead. I’m learning that’s where I operate best at.

    This is exhausting though. It seems like in life, people always tell you to think logically and on one end, I get it but, on the other, it exhausts me. Feelings are not facts, I get it.. but.. my heart is my heart.. and I want to trust it.. I think what I’m really saying is that I’m hoping to trust my heart more and trust God more in this new season of life.. Maybe I’m silly.. Maybe I’m not.. I guess time will tell..

    Look Evelyn, I just need you to know that it’s ok to feel everything that you’re feeling. The confusion, the fear, the happiness, the hopefulness.. feel it all.. you won’t regret it.. in fact, maybe that’s where your true power is. Embracing your vulnerability. That’s something I’ve been learning to do lately and I truly hope that one day, you really learn it to and you hold on to it because here’s the truth… Nobody can be strong all the time.. and that’s what we’re learning.. Embrace being human and just allow God to take the burdens from you.

    Life is for living. So live it up baby girl!

    I love you so so much!

    Forever Yours,

    Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me- I Thought He Cared About Me

    Dear Former Me- I Thought He Cared About Me

    Dear Former Me,

    Are you sick of me yet? Because I’m sick of me. I really, really, really hate myself right now. I hate that I’m so forgiving. I hate that I seem to piss people off so much without trying. I hate that I change myself hoping someone will love me but they never do. All they do is hurt me. Again. And Again. And again. And I let them.. Because that’s just who I am. I really, really want to hurt people sometimes.. But you know what’s crazier? I hate myself for feeling that way so then.. I just hurt myself. Literally. I literally will do whatever I can to just punish myself because how evil of a person do I have to be in order to actually feel like hurting someone else? 

    I’m pretty freaking sick right?

     You know my boyfriend? Prince? News Freaking Flash.. NEVER DATE A GUY NAMED PRINCE. He is ANYTHING BUT A PRINCE. He’s an abusive jerk. I probably could use stronger language but I’m trying to get right with God. Prince choked me.. And not just that he called me a Negro from the streets. And screamed in my face and tried to choke me into the closet.. And I STILL TRIED TO TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS PLACE since he was just drunk out of his freaking mind. Guess what?! That didn’t happen. I had to call the cops on him because he wouldn’t stop screaming from the back seat of my car and then climbed to the front seat and I had to pull over only for him to choke me and spit in my face. 

    And you know the worst part? I didn’t want him to go to jail. I just wanted him to leave me alone.. so now I’m going to have to dodge the police because I’m not going to court to testify against him? Stupid? Idk maybe.. but here’s the thing.. I just don’t want to ruin someone’s life even if they really hurt me. And I would rather just be left alone.. I’m tired of always having to fight. I’ve literally been fighting my entire life. My mom, my family, girls in detention centers, boyfriends.. like this is exhausting.. I don’t know how I find myself in these stupid situations.

    It’s like… these guys start off really great.. but then.. BOOM full crazy.. and here’s the thing.. I don’t even like fighting. The only reason I ever fought in the past was because my mom would make me fight these kids in my neighborhood.. like literally make me fight them. Or I was on the run after my mom beat me up and kicked me out of the house so .. all of a sudden I was a 10 year old kid having to fight grown women and adults off of me in the streets of Las Vegas.. 

    Dude.. why do guys feel like they can hurt me all the time. I don’t even do anything to them… it’s like.. me being happy somehow is me being disrespectful? I should’ve hit him back.. I promise you I should’ve. I need to stop letting people hit me.. I don’t deserve that. I really don’t. It just.. is Normal I guess. 

    Idk.. God.. please help me find the courage to leave ..

    Evelyn.. if you’re reading this.. just know you made it through. You guys broke up. He wasn’t your man.. he might’ve been a man but not your man.. because any man who loves you wouldn’t put his hands on you, or be verbally abusive. He would love you the way that God loves you. And you deserve that. Even if you don’t believe that right now.. just know that I do.

    I’m proud of you for ending the relationship. And if I know you like I think I do, you didn’t do no dramatic exit .. you just let it go with grace. Trust me.. God has something and someone way better than you could’ve ever imagined. Just.. trust him.. Also, if a man EVER puts his hands on you again.. YOU STAND 10 toes down on business and you CALL THE COPS. Never fight men but you have every right to fight against your oppressor. Once a man decides to hit you. He is not a man. He is your oppressor.. you got this.. just keep praying .. it’s going to get better right? Yes.. it’s going to get better.

    I love you Evelyn. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you more but I promise.. I promise I’m going to be your protector from now on. I know this is new territory to us.. you’ve never had someone protect you growing up aside from Grandma.. so it’s going to be a learning experience but, we’re going to learn together. We’re going to learn and we’re going to be ok. You know how I know? Because God has been with us through worse. He has never left us empty handed and because I GOT YOU. If NOBODY ELSE has you, just know that I do. God’s plan. Not Ours. God’s plan.

    I love you so much Evelyn. You are so resilient. You are light. And you deserve better than anything you’ve ever been through. I got us baby.

    Forever yours,

    Evelyn 

  • Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure I’m Invisible

    Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure I’m Invisible

    Dear Former Me,

    You felt invisible today. Like the world kept moving and forgot you were in it. And for a second, you wondered if it’s true-that you’re forgettable, replaceable, too much and not enough all at once.

    But guess what? You still showed up. You smiled and played with your kids, still checked your bank account…. And then quickly regretted it hahaha. By the way… we need to get on top of our money. I know you like nice things because so do I, but remember what we’ve learned.. Material items do not replace presence and wealth is not the same as abundance.

    You helped someone today and it felt really good. You didn’t even realize you were helping them until they smiled at you and asked to give you a hug and cried at the same time. That definitely threw you for a loop.. But guess what? You didn’t pull away from it.. Maybe because deep down we both knew that in this crazy mess of a world, we’re all looking for connection and love. Truthfully? You probably need that hug more than them. 

    We need to show up for ourselves more. We need to stop pretending to have everything together. We really don’t and that’s ok. I’m starting to realize that we’re not meant to have everything together. That’s why God is there. God doesn’t want us to be perfect. He just needs us to be willing to try. Try to open our hearts, even when it’s scary. God never asks us to be perfect so why do we put that expectation on ourselves? Imperfection is why God loves us. It’s always what connects us to the world around us. Don’t be afraid to be imperfect. If you’re imperfect? That means you’re real. It means that you’re honest. And that means that you’re allowing God to work in your life. 

    Oh.. and girl, yes, you may feel invisible but I promise you that you’re not. It might not mean much now but I see you.. Always. And I promise you that I will never forget about you again. I love you. I really do. You’re amazing. Look at everything that we’ve been through. You survived group homes, treatment centers, juvie, sex trafficking, and being a runaway.. You were 9 at the time.. And now you’re a WHOLE adult. Not a half of one! A WHOLE one! That’s crazy.. Because we never thought we would make it here, but we did. And even if no one else saw you, I saw you. And I won’t ever allow us to see ourselves again. You’re not invisible. And you’re not alone. God has you. Just.. trust the process and trust yourself too while you’re at it and most importantly.. Remember, God’s plan. Not yours.

    I Love You Evelyn