The Soft Power Journal

Tag: life

  • Dear Former Me-Changes Are Happening

    Dear Former Me-Changes Are Happening

    Dear Former Me,

    I won’t lie to you.. I’m a little scared with all of these changes going on. I’ve never really knew how to adapt to changes. I’m quick to want to shut down or I would get really angry about nothing going to plan but lately? It’s felt really good to just simply say that I’m scared and still be open to how life unfolds.

    I’m someone who usually craves clarity but lately, I’ve been genuinely just embracing the unknown. I’m learning it’s often times not as bad as I think. There’s always something good waiting on the other end.

    But still, I still feel scared. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough or that I’m letting others down by wanting to do things differently. I guess if I’m being honest, in a way, I am.

    Not intentionally but still, maybe that’s part of the plan? Not my plan but God’s plan. I don’t always understand God’s plan though and that causes me frustration but I’m trying to open up space to just allow God to do his thing. It’s not easy. I’m really not used to this.. emptiness in my life.. or at least, the feeling of emptiness because when I actually zoom out, my life isn’t empty at all.. but still.. it feels like I’m forever waiting for something that isn’t really quite here yet. Or like maybe I’m just missing it.

    Either way, I’m just learning how to trust the process.. I hope that I’m doing it right. Every time I think I’m doing good, this little voice in my head creeps in and causes me to doubt everything.. I’m working really hard to not trust the voice but trust my heart instead. I’m learning that’s where I operate best at.

    This is exhausting though. It seems like in life, people always tell you to think logically and on one end, I get it but, on the other, it exhausts me. Feelings are not facts, I get it.. but.. my heart is my heart.. and I want to trust it.. I think what I’m really saying is that I’m hoping to trust my heart more and trust God more in this new season of life.. Maybe I’m silly.. Maybe I’m not.. I guess time will tell..

    Look Evelyn, I just need you to know that it’s ok to feel everything that you’re feeling. The confusion, the fear, the happiness, the hopefulness.. feel it all.. you won’t regret it.. in fact, maybe that’s where your true power is. Embracing your vulnerability. That’s something I’ve been learning to do lately and I truly hope that one day, you really learn it to and you hold on to it because here’s the truth… Nobody can be strong all the time.. and that’s what we’re learning.. Embrace being human and just allow God to take the burdens from you.

    Life is for living. So live it up baby girl!

    I love you so so much!

    Forever Yours,

    Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me- I Actually Like Myself

    Dear Former Me- I Actually Like Myself

    Dear Former Me,

    Something strange has been going on in my life. The more and more I just let myself be genuinely happy.. the more and more I notice how quick people are to leave my life. I don’t know.. it’s strange..

    You would think more people would be happier but I think I’m starting to understand that a lot of people don’t trust happiness. I get it though because I used to be like that. Life is good though and I can’t complain. Don’t get me wrong.. Life is totally living but overall, I’m just really grateful for where I am right now.

    It’s crazy.. the more I’ve been spending time with myself, the more I realize that I like myself. I’m pretty funny.. and I walk to the beat of my own drum. I realized that even though I have social anxiety, I am actually great with connecting with people.. it’s like.. my weir super power.

    There was really a time when I would hide or feel like I shouldn’t talk too much, or maybe I was just “too much” but the reality? It isn’t my reality. I just want to tell you how proud I am of you. You’ve really been making strides and doing the things you have always wanted to do and that’s beautiful. You started your podcast, got that promotion at the job, and you’re opening yourself up to new friendships.

    It hasn’t been an easy journey but.. hey, we’re here. I’m so excited for you and if nobody else tells you, I’m so genuinely happy for you. You deserve everything good in this life. You are so smart, kind, and you are always authentically you, even if it makes others uncomfortable. That’s not always easy to do..

    We live in a world that tries to shame people for being different but look at you! You’re actually embracing what makes you different and God has really been opening up not just doors but entirely new paths in your life.

    I can’t wait for the day that you come back and read this.

    I love you so much Evie!

    Love,

    Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me-Thank You for Letting Go

    Dear Former Me-Thank You for Letting Go

    Dear Former Me,

    I know how hard you tried to hold it all together.

    Even when your heart was tired.

    Even when your spirit whispered this isn’t it—you still leaned in, still hoped, still made space for someone who wasn’t ready to meet you there.

    I saw how you twisted yourself into softer shapes,

    how you over-explained just to feel seen,

    how you called silence patience and tension love.

    You didn’t want to walk away. You wanted it to work.

    But deep down, I know you knew:

    love shouldn’t feel like negotiating your worth.

    So thank you—for finally letting go.

    Not in anger. Not in resentment.

    But in clarity.

    You let go of needing to be chosen.

    You let go of shrinking your needs.

    You let go of waiting for someone else to grow.

    And in doing that,

    you came back home to yourself.

    I know it hurt.

    But you learned to stop interpreting distance as your fault.

    You stopped calling someone’s emotional unavailability a challenge to overcome.

    You stopped begging for presence in the form of crumbs.

    You stopped settling for almost.

    Thank you for the nights you cried but didn’t reach back out.

    Thank you for choosing peace over potential.

    Thank you for walking away, not because you stopped caring—

    but because you finally started caring about yourself more.

    Because of you, I don’t abandon myself anymore.

    I no longer confuse mixed signals for magic.

    I no longer carry the weight of their unreadiness.

    I no longer perform for love I deserve to receive with ease.

    So thank you.

    You didn’t fail.

    You finally honored the version of you who’s been waiting to be free.

    With so much pride,

    Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me- I Hate God

    Dear Former Me- I Hate God


    Dear Former Me, 

    Sometimes grandma comes to me in my dreams and we get to talk. She showed me a vision of my life. I actually got married. Can you believe that? I wish.. Maybe one day. I was coaching soccer. I was skinny! Now that’s wild because I’m like 300 pounds. No way Would I ever be skinny haha. She gives me gifts sometimes in my dreams. I keep hearing that’s a good thing. I don’t know how if I keep waking up crying.

    I don’t know how I know.. But I just.. Feel like she’s going to stop visiting me soon. I keep trying to chase her in my dreams when she starts to walk away but she never lets me come with her. I don’t know why. I think she’s trying to tell me that life is going to be ok. It doesn’t feel like it if I’m being honest. It feels stupid. Everything is stupid and it doesn’t make sense. My sister keeps calling me and she’s crying. I don’t want her to know I’m hurting. I don’t want her to see me crying.. She needs me. She’s the older sister but I always feel like I have to be the person who holds everything together. That’s pretty freaking ironic considering I was a juvenile delinquent and everyone loves to tell me about myself.

    Crazy right? How the crazy person in the family becomes the one who has to hold everything together for everyone else? Nobody in my family actually likes me but I still have to be the one to show up for everyone? Uggggh. Am I bitter? I don’t think so.. Maybe just.. Tired of .. dealing with everyone else’s problems and emotions.. I don’t even get to deal with my own emotions.. I literally bottle them up trying to hold everything for everyone else and then when I do tell people I’m close to breaking.. It’s like they do crap on purpose to antagonize me.. Then when I explode and throw a pot roast.. I’M THE CRAZY ONE? Wow. Okay. 

    I don’t even know where I was going with this.

    I hate myself a lot today. I just want to go wherever my grandma is. Maybe I am really selfish for saying that. I don’t know..

    Anyways, If you manage to find this journal entry again.. Just know I’m proud of you for showing up for everyone else but I really hope you learn how to show up for yourself one day as well. Grandma’s not here anymore Ev. You’re all you got.. Well you.. And God.. although, I’m pretty sure at this point God hates us. Great.. Now I’m going to hell.. There’s so many things we’re told not to do or say to piss God off.. But why? .. God gives us emotions.. Why is it bad to feel them? Or express how much God really hates us… Whatever.. God if you’re reading this.. Make it make sense..

    And Evelyn.. If you’re reading this.. I know you did what you had to do for yourself and I know you’re going to be proud of yourself one day.. Like really proud.. Genuinely proud… and yes.. Losing grandma is going to hurt…probably always and forever but you know what? Finding who you are without her constant support? It’s going to be the most powerful thing in the world. You know why? Because I know you.. And I know you will forever remember what unconditional love felt like in this world because of her and you will learn how to extend that to everyone you encounter.. But first, remember to extend that to yourself. Remember it’s okay to not have everything figured out. And remember that you’re not broken.. You just… are finding your way in this weird world. And.. remember the dream .. The dream grandma showed you.. Because one day.. All of it is going to be true… you know how I know? Because grandma never lied to us. She wouldn’t have shown you being skinny, coaching soccer, or one dat getting married if none of that wasn’t real for you. Just.. Promise me something.. No matter how much you love someone, don’t abandon yourself to love someone else ever again.. I know.. It’s really hard for you because .. you really genuinely love people.. But you deserve someone who can show up for you too. So.. maybe.. You’re alone right now.. But you’re not really alone.. Because you have me.. And I promise I’m not going to let you down. And trust God dude.. He hasn’t left our side.. Even if we don’t see it right now. Remember.. God’s plan. Not yours.

    I love you Evelyn and so does grandma.. Even if she’s not here to say it anymore

  • Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

    Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

    Dear Former Me,

    Grandma passed away today. I’m so angry at the world and I’m so angry at her? Why would she pass away? Why didn’t she want to stay? I promised her I was growing. I told her I was going to do better. Did she really not believe me? I don’t know why I’m so angry right now. She passed away literally the day after my birthday. That’s not fair. I didn’t want her to go. She was the only safe person I had in my life. I don’t understand these feelings. I’m so hurt, angry, and I feel alone. I’m so confused. Didn’t she love me? Was I not enough? 

    I know grandma loved me..but I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I don’t have anyone. I don’t know how to be okay. I just want to feel okay again. Today it was so hard to get out of bed. I couldn’t cry though because everyone else is crying. Especially mom. She’s taking this really hard. I know why but it makes me so mad that she is allowed to cry and I can’t. She was always so mean to grandma it literally made no sense. I know you don’t mean these words right now.. You’ll probably look back at these and hate yourself for this.. But you hate yourself already so is it really anything new?

    Everybody was fighting over funeral arrangements. Everyone seemed to have the answers and it started pissing me off. IGrandma raised me. She was the only real mother I knew and yet I have to sit in a room with people who claim to be family and really be strong for everyone? I’m so tired of being strong. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be ok. I’m literally going to break. I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t even want to be here anymore. But I have to be. Because I promised my grandma I wouldn’t give up. I will keep going. I told her I was going to make her proud of me and I have to keep that promise.

    I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the answers right now.

    But God’s plan. Not mine. Even when it doesn’t make sense… I don’t really know what to Say Evelyn.. Just.. don’t give up.. Do you think grandma knew how much she meant to us? Do you think she’s going to be proud of us? 

    I’m sorry grandma for everything. I’m going to keep trying to love people like you taught me but.. What if I can’t remember?

    Evelyn.. I know you’re scared right now but you have to remember what grandma told. You’re strong, you’re wise. You can be anybody you want to be. You have 2 kids, you can’t give up.. They need you. Wipe your tears, go show up for them.. For your family.. And maybe eventually.. You’ll find a way to show up for yourself too.

    I love you Evelyn.

  • Dear Former Me- Yay I Guess For a Boyfriend

    Dear Former Me- Yay I Guess For a Boyfriend

    Dear Former Me,

    You have a boyfriend now.. Like not a passing connection.. An actual boyfriend.. On paper, everything should be fine. But if I’m being honest with you… you’re really not happy. And that’s something we are struggling with saying out loud. We’re supposed to be so happy that we’ve been chosen but can I be honest? Just between you and I? If this is what being chosen feels like… it sucks. Like horribly haha. But.. idk.. Maybe we should just be grateful? Even when it hurts. I mean.. He’s not the greatest guy.. Ok actually.. He’s really a jerk. To food workers and wait staff, to your family, to his friends, and most importantly to you. He’s nice to the kids though so I guess that’s a plus? And he pays the bills.. Ok stop doing that! We have got to stop trying to justify people’s bad behaviors. I get it, you really want to believe everyone is good despite their negative actions.. Maybe you’re like that because somehow, after everything you have been through, you still find a way to love.. Even in moments you really don’t want to..

    But I think that’s because you genuinely just do not want to hurt people the way that you’ve been hurt..

    But this dude? He definitely wants to hurt people.. I don’t really get it but.. Maybe at the same time I do because there was a time in my life when I was a kid when I wanted to hurt everyone around me too. I was so angry. All the time. And honestly, I mean, growing up with people who screamed and physically fought each other was completely normal.. So then.. Why does this feel.. Like it’s not okay? Does that make me a hypocrite? You know, since I used to hurt people, people deserve to hurt me? I don’t know.. I mean.. That’s how my brain works sometimes.. But here’s the thing.. I don’t hurt people anymore.. Not physically or verbally, and definitely not intentionally. I’ve definitely learned to take accountability and apologize for my actions when it’s necessary, even if I don’t always see it that way.. But not like.. Gaslighting or like manipulative i should apologize.. Like.. I genuinely didn’t realize how my actions affected you and now that I see that, I won’t cross your boundaries again.. But that’s only because I learned to trust myself. And because therapy has helped me to understand the difference between apologizing just to apologize and apologize because you mean it. When you apologize, it’s not just for the other person, it’s for you too.. You get the opportunity to grow and learn. But an apology without consistent change, it’s not real.. And yeah.. Change doesn’t come overnight.. Which is where grace comes in. I still don’t have that part down..

    I don’t know Evelyn.. This all feels a bit confusing and I don’t truly feel comfortable or happy… and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t feel loved, valued, or safe. I don’t like who i am with this person.. It’s almost like I’m being forced to change into what they want.. But that’s not real growth and love. Like yes, we change when we are with people, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of abandoning yourself. You should feel inspired to do better and explore yourself more. The right person will encourage you to grow but never force you. Just like God.. God wants us to grow. He wants us to change, even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it is.. But he doesn’t force us. He just holds space for us.. This situation only holds space for us if we conform.

    We’re going to leave him.. 

    But maybe.. Maybe we can just break it off tomorrow. I’m too scared to do it right now.. I just introduced him to my friends. I don’t want to feel embarrassed.

  • Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure Mom Hates Us

    Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure Mom Hates Us

    Dear Former Me,

    You fought with her again-your mom. And afterward, you sat in your room wondering why it always ends the same. You hate how easily she pulls the teenage version of you to the surface. You hate that you end up yelling at her because you love her. But why does she make it always seem like you’re the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Does she really hate you that much? 

    We both know that’s not true… if there’s one thing you’ve learned is that hurt people hurt people. Honestly. Is that right? No. But do you understand? Of course.. Because think of all the people we have hurt in our lives because we were hurting. I know it doesn’t make sense but trauma and anger can cause ourselves and others to do some crazy things… just remember to try to have grace. For your mom and for yourself. One day, you guys are going to get along. How do I know that? Because you promised your grandma. And we love our grandma so much. You remember how when we would clean the house with grandma when we were a kid and no one would be home? Just you and her? Grandma always told us it was her fault mom was like this and made us promise to take care of her when she’s gone. She would always say “Evelyn, love your mom, even when it’s hard.” or “Evelyn, even if you don’t get along with your mom, remember the love i give you and give that to her, give that to everyone even when it’s hard. Don’t let the world make you angry. Be nice and show people love.” Well guess what… grandma is not here anymore we can totally disregard those lessons… but we’re not going to.. We’re going to keep working on our relationship with mom.. Even when it’s hard. 

    Who knows, maybe one day we can look back at this and say that we’re at a better spot with her. 

    I don’t know.. It’s complicated.. Sometimes i wish she could just understand that i’m hurting too.. Give me the same grace that I seem to always give her.. But then again.. We can’t expect her to be able to extend something she never had or learned to give.. So.. we have to do. Not for her but for us. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because even if we don’t agree or like her majority of the time, she deserves love and to feel good too.. You, of all people, should remember what hate feels like.. Don’t be like that.. Be better… Even if no one else believes that love exists, you know that it does because you had grandma. And grandma loved you more than anything in this world.. Even when you tried to push her away. And God tells us that the ones who hurt us the most, we forgive. Because he forgives us even when we hurt him and mess up.. And look at your life now.. Is it not proof of God’s love for you?

    It’s going to work out. You don’t see it yet but it’s going to work out better than you imagined. Remember, God’s plan. Not yours. Just hae faith. Keep going and keep trying. Even when you’re tired. Especially when you’re tired. You don’t have to punish yourself or her.. Maybe just.. Start with boundaries.. We’ve been learning about that lately.. Boundaries with love though, not rooted in fear, power, or control. Just love. You got this. Just.. breath .

    I love you Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me- It’s Okay To Cry

    Dear Former Me- It’s Okay To Cry

    Dear Former Me,

    You cried again today. And not the pretty cry… like the really really ugly cry. You didn’t cry in front of everyone. You just went to the bathroom and sat in the tub and let it out. You were scared someone would hear-but also scared no one would.

    You’re so used to having to be strong and you’re still getting used to crying. I mean.. You used to cry a lot but your family would always call you dramatic or tell you that you’re crying for no reason.. And maybe you were.. But maybe you just were hurting. Like today. Today just….hurt.

    You’re allowed to break down and still be  rebuilding something powerful.

    You don’t have to earn rest, and you don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay when you’re really not. It’s really okay to not be okay. You’re human. Remember.. Even on the worst days, God is still beside you and with God on your side, you cannot fail. You won’t fail. So, let the tears fall but remember to get back up. It’s scary but I believe in you. I believe in us. And if no one has told you recently, I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of you. I’m literally so proud of you. I cannot say that enough.

    We’re doing better than we think. Honestly. 

    I love you Evelyn.

  • Dear Former Me- Am I Enough?

    Dear Former Me- Am I Enough?

    Dear Former Me,

    Today was one of those days where you did everything you were supposed to do-

    And still felt like it wasn’t enough. You woke up tired, poured into everyone else, and somehow forgot to check in with yourself. Again.

    You’re not crazy for feeling like this. You’re not weak because it feels heavy. You’ve carried a lot for a long time, and sometimes, just standing upright is a victory. Try not to be so hard on yourself but we both know that’s not the easiest thing to do. No matter how far you’ve come, you still seem to have this little voice in your mind telling you  to do more, prove more, be someone better.. Or worse.. Someone else.

    I hate that for us to be completely honest. Life has been weird lately. It feels like everything is going in slow motion and the world is passing you by. You’re smiling.. Sure.. but your smile never quite reaches your eyes. And when you do smile.. It never feels genuine. It’s really hard to talk to anyone because nothing is actually wrong.. Well I mean.. Not technically. You have a good life. And you are extremely grateful.. So why does it still feel like you’re lost?

    I wish I had all those answers, but truthfully, I guess I’m still figuring them out myself. How did we get so disconnected from ourselves? I really hope that you know this feeling will pass. Even if it doesn’t seem like it. This version of you? The one with the tired heart? The one who keeps showing up for others in the midst of breaking internally? She’s worthy of love too. Please don’t forget that. You’re going somewhere.. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. She’s going somewhere beautiful. I know you don’t always see it.. But trust me.. You’re not really lost. Just keep trusting God and remember.. It’s his plan.. Not yours.

    I really love you. I know I don’t tell you that enough but I do. I hope this year, I can start showing up for you more. You deserve that.

    I love you Evelyn.