Dear Former Me,
You fought with her again-your mom. And afterward, you sat in your room wondering why it always ends the same. You hate how easily she pulls the teenage version of you to the surface. You hate that you end up yelling at her because you love her. But why does she make it always seem like you’re the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Does she really hate you that much?
We both know that’s not true… if there’s one thing you’ve learned is that hurt people hurt people. Honestly. Is that right? No. But do you understand? Of course.. Because think of all the people we have hurt in our lives because we were hurting. I know it doesn’t make sense but trauma and anger can cause ourselves and others to do some crazy things… just remember to try to have grace. For your mom and for yourself. One day, you guys are going to get along. How do I know that? Because you promised your grandma. And we love our grandma so much. You remember how when we would clean the house with grandma when we were a kid and no one would be home? Just you and her? Grandma always told us it was her fault mom was like this and made us promise to take care of her when she’s gone. She would always say “Evelyn, love your mom, even when it’s hard.” or “Evelyn, even if you don’t get along with your mom, remember the love i give you and give that to her, give that to everyone even when it’s hard. Don’t let the world make you angry. Be nice and show people love.” Well guess what… grandma is not here anymore we can totally disregard those lessons… but we’re not going to.. We’re going to keep working on our relationship with mom.. Even when it’s hard.
Who knows, maybe one day we can look back at this and say that we’re at a better spot with her.
I don’t know.. It’s complicated.. Sometimes i wish she could just understand that i’m hurting too.. Give me the same grace that I seem to always give her.. But then again.. We can’t expect her to be able to extend something she never had or learned to give.. So.. we have to do. Not for her but for us. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because even if we don’t agree or like her majority of the time, she deserves love and to feel good too.. You, of all people, should remember what hate feels like.. Don’t be like that.. Be better… Even if no one else believes that love exists, you know that it does because you had grandma. And grandma loved you more than anything in this world.. Even when you tried to push her away. And God tells us that the ones who hurt us the most, we forgive. Because he forgives us even when we hurt him and mess up.. And look at your life now.. Is it not proof of God’s love for you?
It’s going to work out. You don’t see it yet but it’s going to work out better than you imagined. Remember, God’s plan. Not yours. Just hae faith. Keep going and keep trying. Even when you’re tired. Especially when you’re tired. You don’t have to punish yourself or her.. Maybe just.. Start with boundaries.. We’ve been learning about that lately.. Boundaries with love though, not rooted in fear, power, or control. Just love. You got this. Just.. breath .
I love you Evelyn
The Soft Power Journal 