The Soft Power Journal

Author: Evelyn Michelle | The Soft Power Journal

  • Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

    Dear Former Me- Grandma Passed Away

    Dear Former Me,

    Grandma passed away today. I’m so angry at the world and I’m so angry at her? Why would she pass away? Why didn’t she want to stay? I promised her I was growing. I told her I was going to do better. Did she really not believe me? I don’t know why I’m so angry right now. She passed away literally the day after my birthday. That’s not fair. I didn’t want her to go. She was the only safe person I had in my life. I don’t understand these feelings. I’m so hurt, angry, and I feel alone. I’m so confused. Didn’t she love me? Was I not enough? 

    I know grandma loved me..but I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I don’t have anyone. I don’t know how to be okay. I just want to feel okay again. Today it was so hard to get out of bed. I couldn’t cry though because everyone else is crying. Especially mom. She’s taking this really hard. I know why but it makes me so mad that she is allowed to cry and I can’t. She was always so mean to grandma it literally made no sense. I know you don’t mean these words right now.. You’ll probably look back at these and hate yourself for this.. But you hate yourself already so is it really anything new?

    Everybody was fighting over funeral arrangements. Everyone seemed to have the answers and it started pissing me off. IGrandma raised me. She was the only real mother I knew and yet I have to sit in a room with people who claim to be family and really be strong for everyone? I’m so tired of being strong. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be ok. I’m literally going to break. I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t even want to be here anymore. But I have to be. Because I promised my grandma I wouldn’t give up. I will keep going. I told her I was going to make her proud of me and I have to keep that promise.

    I don’t know what to do and I don’t have the answers right now.

    But God’s plan. Not mine. Even when it doesn’t make sense… I don’t really know what to Say Evelyn.. Just.. don’t give up.. Do you think grandma knew how much she meant to us? Do you think she’s going to be proud of us? 

    I’m sorry grandma for everything. I’m going to keep trying to love people like you taught me but.. What if I can’t remember?

    Evelyn.. I know you’re scared right now but you have to remember what grandma told. You’re strong, you’re wise. You can be anybody you want to be. You have 2 kids, you can’t give up.. They need you. Wipe your tears, go show up for them.. For your family.. And maybe eventually.. You’ll find a way to show up for yourself too.

    I love you Evelyn.

  • Dear Former Me- Yay I Guess For a Boyfriend

    Dear Former Me- Yay I Guess For a Boyfriend

    Dear Former Me,

    You have a boyfriend now.. Like not a passing connection.. An actual boyfriend.. On paper, everything should be fine. But if I’m being honest with you… you’re really not happy. And that’s something we are struggling with saying out loud. We’re supposed to be so happy that we’ve been chosen but can I be honest? Just between you and I? If this is what being chosen feels like… it sucks. Like horribly haha. But.. idk.. Maybe we should just be grateful? Even when it hurts. I mean.. He’s not the greatest guy.. Ok actually.. He’s really a jerk. To food workers and wait staff, to your family, to his friends, and most importantly to you. He’s nice to the kids though so I guess that’s a plus? And he pays the bills.. Ok stop doing that! We have got to stop trying to justify people’s bad behaviors. I get it, you really want to believe everyone is good despite their negative actions.. Maybe you’re like that because somehow, after everything you have been through, you still find a way to love.. Even in moments you really don’t want to..

    But I think that’s because you genuinely just do not want to hurt people the way that you’ve been hurt..

    But this dude? He definitely wants to hurt people.. I don’t really get it but.. Maybe at the same time I do because there was a time in my life when I was a kid when I wanted to hurt everyone around me too. I was so angry. All the time. And honestly, I mean, growing up with people who screamed and physically fought each other was completely normal.. So then.. Why does this feel.. Like it’s not okay? Does that make me a hypocrite? You know, since I used to hurt people, people deserve to hurt me? I don’t know.. I mean.. That’s how my brain works sometimes.. But here’s the thing.. I don’t hurt people anymore.. Not physically or verbally, and definitely not intentionally. I’ve definitely learned to take accountability and apologize for my actions when it’s necessary, even if I don’t always see it that way.. But not like.. Gaslighting or like manipulative i should apologize.. Like.. I genuinely didn’t realize how my actions affected you and now that I see that, I won’t cross your boundaries again.. But that’s only because I learned to trust myself. And because therapy has helped me to understand the difference between apologizing just to apologize and apologize because you mean it. When you apologize, it’s not just for the other person, it’s for you too.. You get the opportunity to grow and learn. But an apology without consistent change, it’s not real.. And yeah.. Change doesn’t come overnight.. Which is where grace comes in. I still don’t have that part down..

    I don’t know Evelyn.. This all feels a bit confusing and I don’t truly feel comfortable or happy… and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t feel loved, valued, or safe. I don’t like who i am with this person.. It’s almost like I’m being forced to change into what they want.. But that’s not real growth and love. Like yes, we change when we are with people, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of abandoning yourself. You should feel inspired to do better and explore yourself more. The right person will encourage you to grow but never force you. Just like God.. God wants us to grow. He wants us to change, even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it is.. But he doesn’t force us. He just holds space for us.. This situation only holds space for us if we conform.

    We’re going to leave him.. 

    But maybe.. Maybe we can just break it off tomorrow. I’m too scared to do it right now.. I just introduced him to my friends. I don’t want to feel embarrassed.

  • Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure I’m Invisible

    Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure I’m Invisible

    Dear Former Me,

    You felt invisible today. Like the world kept moving and forgot you were in it. And for a second, you wondered if it’s true-that you’re forgettable, replaceable, too much and not enough all at once.

    But guess what? You still showed up. You smiled and played with your kids, still checked your bank account…. And then quickly regretted it hahaha. By the way… we need to get on top of our money. I know you like nice things because so do I, but remember what we’ve learned.. Material items do not replace presence and wealth is not the same as abundance.

    You helped someone today and it felt really good. You didn’t even realize you were helping them until they smiled at you and asked to give you a hug and cried at the same time. That definitely threw you for a loop.. But guess what? You didn’t pull away from it.. Maybe because deep down we both knew that in this crazy mess of a world, we’re all looking for connection and love. Truthfully? You probably need that hug more than them. 

    We need to show up for ourselves more. We need to stop pretending to have everything together. We really don’t and that’s ok. I’m starting to realize that we’re not meant to have everything together. That’s why God is there. God doesn’t want us to be perfect. He just needs us to be willing to try. Try to open our hearts, even when it’s scary. God never asks us to be perfect so why do we put that expectation on ourselves? Imperfection is why God loves us. It’s always what connects us to the world around us. Don’t be afraid to be imperfect. If you’re imperfect? That means you’re real. It means that you’re honest. And that means that you’re allowing God to work in your life. 

    Oh.. and girl, yes, you may feel invisible but I promise you that you’re not. It might not mean much now but I see you.. Always. And I promise you that I will never forget about you again. I love you. I really do. You’re amazing. Look at everything that we’ve been through. You survived group homes, treatment centers, juvie, sex trafficking, and being a runaway.. You were 9 at the time.. And now you’re a WHOLE adult. Not a half of one! A WHOLE one! That’s crazy.. Because we never thought we would make it here, but we did. And even if no one else saw you, I saw you. And I won’t ever allow us to see ourselves again. You’re not invisible. And you’re not alone. God has you. Just.. trust the process and trust yourself too while you’re at it and most importantly.. Remember, God’s plan. Not yours.

    I Love You Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure Mom Hates Us

    Dear Former Me- I’m Pretty Sure Mom Hates Us

    Dear Former Me,

    You fought with her again-your mom. And afterward, you sat in your room wondering why it always ends the same. You hate how easily she pulls the teenage version of you to the surface. You hate that you end up yelling at her because you love her. But why does she make it always seem like you’re the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Does she really hate you that much? 

    We both know that’s not true… if there’s one thing you’ve learned is that hurt people hurt people. Honestly. Is that right? No. But do you understand? Of course.. Because think of all the people we have hurt in our lives because we were hurting. I know it doesn’t make sense but trauma and anger can cause ourselves and others to do some crazy things… just remember to try to have grace. For your mom and for yourself. One day, you guys are going to get along. How do I know that? Because you promised your grandma. And we love our grandma so much. You remember how when we would clean the house with grandma when we were a kid and no one would be home? Just you and her? Grandma always told us it was her fault mom was like this and made us promise to take care of her when she’s gone. She would always say “Evelyn, love your mom, even when it’s hard.” or “Evelyn, even if you don’t get along with your mom, remember the love i give you and give that to her, give that to everyone even when it’s hard. Don’t let the world make you angry. Be nice and show people love.” Well guess what… grandma is not here anymore we can totally disregard those lessons… but we’re not going to.. We’re going to keep working on our relationship with mom.. Even when it’s hard. 

    Who knows, maybe one day we can look back at this and say that we’re at a better spot with her. 

    I don’t know.. It’s complicated.. Sometimes i wish she could just understand that i’m hurting too.. Give me the same grace that I seem to always give her.. But then again.. We can’t expect her to be able to extend something she never had or learned to give.. So.. we have to do. Not for her but for us. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because even if we don’t agree or like her majority of the time, she deserves love and to feel good too.. You, of all people, should remember what hate feels like.. Don’t be like that.. Be better… Even if no one else believes that love exists, you know that it does because you had grandma. And grandma loved you more than anything in this world.. Even when you tried to push her away. And God tells us that the ones who hurt us the most, we forgive. Because he forgives us even when we hurt him and mess up.. And look at your life now.. Is it not proof of God’s love for you?

    It’s going to work out. You don’t see it yet but it’s going to work out better than you imagined. Remember, God’s plan. Not yours. Just hae faith. Keep going and keep trying. Even when you’re tired. Especially when you’re tired. You don’t have to punish yourself or her.. Maybe just.. Start with boundaries.. We’ve been learning about that lately.. Boundaries with love though, not rooted in fear, power, or control. Just love. You got this. Just.. breath .

    I love you Evelyn

  • Dear Former Me- It’s Okay To Cry

    Dear Former Me- It’s Okay To Cry

    Dear Former Me,

    You cried again today. And not the pretty cry… like the really really ugly cry. You didn’t cry in front of everyone. You just went to the bathroom and sat in the tub and let it out. You were scared someone would hear-but also scared no one would.

    You’re so used to having to be strong and you’re still getting used to crying. I mean.. You used to cry a lot but your family would always call you dramatic or tell you that you’re crying for no reason.. And maybe you were.. But maybe you just were hurting. Like today. Today just….hurt.

    You’re allowed to break down and still be  rebuilding something powerful.

    You don’t have to earn rest, and you don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay when you’re really not. It’s really okay to not be okay. You’re human. Remember.. Even on the worst days, God is still beside you and with God on your side, you cannot fail. You won’t fail. So, let the tears fall but remember to get back up. It’s scary but I believe in you. I believe in us. And if no one has told you recently, I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of you. I’m literally so proud of you. I cannot say that enough.

    We’re doing better than we think. Honestly. 

    I love you Evelyn.

  • Dear Former Me- Am I Enough?

    Dear Former Me- Am I Enough?

    Dear Former Me,

    Today was one of those days where you did everything you were supposed to do-

    And still felt like it wasn’t enough. You woke up tired, poured into everyone else, and somehow forgot to check in with yourself. Again.

    You’re not crazy for feeling like this. You’re not weak because it feels heavy. You’ve carried a lot for a long time, and sometimes, just standing upright is a victory. Try not to be so hard on yourself but we both know that’s not the easiest thing to do. No matter how far you’ve come, you still seem to have this little voice in your mind telling you  to do more, prove more, be someone better.. Or worse.. Someone else.

    I hate that for us to be completely honest. Life has been weird lately. It feels like everything is going in slow motion and the world is passing you by. You’re smiling.. Sure.. but your smile never quite reaches your eyes. And when you do smile.. It never feels genuine. It’s really hard to talk to anyone because nothing is actually wrong.. Well I mean.. Not technically. You have a good life. And you are extremely grateful.. So why does it still feel like you’re lost?

    I wish I had all those answers, but truthfully, I guess I’m still figuring them out myself. How did we get so disconnected from ourselves? I really hope that you know this feeling will pass. Even if it doesn’t seem like it. This version of you? The one with the tired heart? The one who keeps showing up for others in the midst of breaking internally? She’s worthy of love too. Please don’t forget that. You’re going somewhere.. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. She’s going somewhere beautiful. I know you don’t always see it.. But trust me.. You’re not really lost. Just keep trusting God and remember.. It’s his plan.. Not yours.

    I really love you. I know I don’t tell you that enough but I do. I hope this year, I can start showing up for you more. You deserve that.

    I love you Evelyn.

  • Lessons from the Quiet Season

    Lessons from the Quiet Season

    No one really prepares you for the season when life goes quiet.

    You’re not spiraling, but you’re not soaring.

    You’re not broken, but you’re not blooming either.

    You’re just… here.

    In the space between what was and what’s coming.

    In the silence between prayers and answers.

    And at first, it’s peaceful.

    But then it gets uncomfortable.

    You start asking yourself: Am I missing something? Did I mess this up? Why isn’t anything happening?

    But I want you to know something:

    The quiet season isn’t a punishment. It’s a classroom.

    I’ve been in that season.

    When the plans stall. When the friends disappear.

    When the spark fades and the noise dims and you don’t know what to grab onto.

    And I remember thinking: God, did You forget about me?

    But He didn’t.

    He was just speaking in a language I hadn’t learned yet:

    stillness.

    Because in the quiet, everything echoes louder—your doubts, your desires, your truth.

    And if you listen closely, you’ll realize:

    The quiet doesn’t mean nothing’s happening. It means something sacred is.

    Here’s what the quiet season teaches you—if you let it:

    1. Who are you when no one’s clapping?

    When no one’s validating you. When there’s no audience, no applause, no obvious results.

    Can you still show up for yourself?

    2. Can you hear your own voice beneath the noise?

    The quiet strips away distractions.

    It asks you to tune back into you—your needs, your values, your spirit.

    3. Not everything that slows you down is a setback.

    Sometimes, it’s divine pacing.

    Sometimes, it’s protection disguised as a pause.

    So if you’re in the quiet season right now, try this:

    Create a “Stillness Practice.”

    Each morning or night, ask yourself: What do I need to hear today?

    Write down whatever comes up. It doesn’t have to make sense. Let your spirit speak.

    Start noticing what’s growing instead of what’s missing.

    Maybe your patience.

    Maybe your trust.

    Maybe your emotional capacity.

    Reframe the silence.

    Instead of “Nothing is happening,” try: “I’m being refined in ways I can’t see yet.”

    There is something beautiful being built inside the silence.

    This season is not wasted.

    This season is not void.

    It is an altar. It is a cocoon.

    It is the quiet before your bloom.

    So breathe.

    Take the pressure off.

    And remember:

    Sometimes the most powerful things grow in silence first.

  • How to Let Go Without Shaming Who You Were

    How to Let Go Without Shaming Who You Were

    Let’s be real.

    There are parts of us we don’t always like to revisit.

    Versions of ourselves that feel… messy.

    The one who settled. The one who stayed too long. The one who didn’t know her worth yet.

    And sometimes, when we’re trying to evolve, it’s easy to look back on her and cringe.

    But here’s the truth most people won’t say:

    You can’t fully become who you’re meant to be if you’re still shaming who you used to be.

    That version of you?

    She was surviving with what she knew.

    She was loving with what she had.

    She was doing her best, even when it wasn’t perfect.

    This isn’t about bypassing accountability. It’s about holding your past self with compassion instead of a gavel.

    Because we love to post about healing.

    We love to talk about “leveling up.”

    But sometimes, healing looks like visiting the girl you used to be—not to judge her, but to thank her.

    Because without her choices, her mistakes, her heartbreaks… you wouldn’t be here.

    She may have been lost, but she was still leading you home.

    I used to shame the parts of me that let things slide.

    That overextended. That kept trying to prove I was worth loving.

    But the more I tried to erase her, the more stuck I felt.

    I realized that real growth isn’t just about letting go.

    It’s about letting go with love.

    That means:

    Not deleting her, but integrating her.

    Not rolling your eyes at her, but thanking her for her lessons.

    Not hiding her, but understanding her needs

    So how do you let go without the shame?

    1. Change the story.

    Instead of: “I can’t believe I let that happen.”

    Try: “That version of me didn’t know what I know now—and that’s okay.”

    2. Write her a letter.

    Not a letter of blame, but of closure.

    Tell her what you’ve learned. Tell her what you’re proud of her for.

    Tell her she can rest now.

    3. Speak to her gently.

    When that old pattern shows up, don’t yell at it.

    Whisper: I see you. I know what you’re trying to protect me from. But we’re safe now.

    4. Don’t rush the release.

    Letting go isn’t a one-time act—it’s a practice.

    Every time you choose differently, you’re releasing her a little more.

    5. Mirror her with love.

    Stand in front of your reflection and say:

    I forgive you. I love you. I honor what you were trying to do for me.

    You don’t have to hate who you were to become who you’re meant to be.

    You just have to let her be human.

    You just have to soften the edges around the memories.

    You just have to hold her long enough to say: Thank you… but I’m ready now.

    This is how you move on—with grace, not guilt.

    This is how you release the weight without rejecting your roots.

    This is how you heal with softness, not shame.

    You don’t need to punish your past to claim your future.

    You just need to let go… gently.

  • This Isn’t Stuck, This is Preparation

    This Isn’t Stuck, This is Preparation

    There’s a moment when the noise dies down.

    The texts slow.

    The plans don’t go through.

    The vision board starts to blur.

    And even though you’re still showing up, still breathing, still doing what you can… it feels like nothing is moving.

    You start wondering if you’re missing something.

    If you lost your touch.

    If God stopped listening.

    But what if… you’re not stuck?

    What if this is holy ground, and you’re standing at the edge of a becoming too sacred to rush?

    Because here’s what nobody tells you:

    Preparation feels like stillness.

    It feels like quiet days, unseen work, plans that don’t stick, and prayers that echo back with silence.

    It feels like pulling weeds with no sign of blooms.

    And it will feel like stuck—until you realize you’re actually being softened for what’s next.

    I know that space.

    I’ve cried in it. Fought it. Tried to outwork it.

    I’ve sat in rooms where I once felt powerful and wondered why I suddenly felt invisible.

    I’ve looked at other people’s progress and questioned if I took too many detours.

    But eventually I realized:

    Every delay was disguised direction. Every pause was a prayer being answered quietly.

    Because real power?

    It doesn’t always enter loud.

    Sometimes it tiptoes in while you’re wiping your eyes and learning how to be gentle with yourself again.

    Let’s talk about what preparation really looks like:

    It’s the days when nothing makes sense but your intuition won’t let you quit.

    It’s the version of you that doesn’t feel “on,” but somehow still chooses to show up.

    It’s the space between who you’ve been and who you’re becoming—and the ache of no longer fitting into either.

    You’re not being punished.

    You’re being positioned.

    But you’ve gotta stop calling it stuck.

    Because stuck implies lifelessness.

    And sis, you are anything but lifeless.

    You are actively being re-rooted.

    Refined.

    Redirected.

    Even if it doesn’t look like movement, you are becoming.

    Here’s how to hold yourself when it feels like nothing’s happening:

    1. Stop measuring your momentum by what’s visible.

    Growth doesn’t always leave proof. Sometimes the roots are strengthening before the bloom.

    2. Ask: “What is this preparing me for?” instead of “Why is this happening?”

    Shift the narrative. You’re not being blocked, you’re being built.

    3. Create a “preparation altar.”

    Write down what you’re calling in. Add something symbolic—an old photo, a letter, a verse.

    Place it somewhere you’ll see every day. Let it remind you that the pause is sacred.

    4. Breathe. Really breathe.

    When you start to spiral, come back to your body.

    Place your hand on your heart and say: I trust this pause is protecting and preparing me.

    5. Let this version of you be enough.

    Not the “glowed up” one. Not the “ready” one.

    The one that’s in-between. The one learning how to hold faith without a finish line.

    If this season is quiet… you’re not broken. You’re being spoken to differently.

    So maybe it’s not time to force a breakthrough.

    Maybe it’s time to receive what only silence can offer.

    You don’t need to have all the answers.

    You don’t need to be on fire to be walking in purpose.

    And you don’t need to rush something that’s already yours.

    This isn’t stuck.

    This is where your wings are being stretched.

    This is where your prayers are gaining roots.

    This is where power is being woven into your stillness.

    This… is preparation.

  • The Soft Power Strategy of Stillness: Why Not Reacting is Sometimes Your Loudest Move

    The Soft Power Strategy of Stillness: Why Not Reacting is Sometimes Your Loudest Move

    There are moments where silence holds more weight than any speech, more power than any comeback. I didn’t always understand that. I used to think that if I didn’t speak up immediately, I was weak. If I didn’t defend myself, I was letting them win. If I didn’t react, I didn’t care. But I’ve learned that stillness isn’t the absence of power—it’s the mastering of it.

    There was a version of me who couldn’t let anything slide. Who had to explain, defend, fix, over-express, over-explain, overextend. I gave away so much of my energy trying to control how I was perceived, trying to make sure people understood me, trying to avoid being misunderstood. But it cost me peace. And it cost me presence. I was so busy reacting that I couldn’t feel the calm that existed in simply letting things be.

    Stillness is strategy. And for women—especially women who have had to be in survival mode—it’s a reclaiming of something sacred. Because we’ve been taught to always do. Always say something. Always be productive. Always respond. Always fix it. Always manage everyone’s emotions. But what happens when you stop? When you choose to be still, even when it burns?

    I remember a recent situation where someone tried to bait me into a reaction. They wanted to provoke me, twist my words, pull me into chaos. And for a moment, I almost let it work. The old me—the version that needed to prove her worth—was about to come out swinging. But something in me paused. I took a breath. And I said nothing. Not because I was weak. But because I knew I didn’t owe them access to my energy.

    Stillness, in that moment, was strength. It was a declaration. A boundary. A line in the sand that said: I don’t move unless I choose to. I don’t explain myself to people committed to misunderstanding me. I don’t play games in a space I’ve outgrown. I don’t chase clarity where chaos lives.

    The feminine in me knew better. She knew that power doesn’t always come with sound. Sometimes, it comes in silence. Sometimes, the softest thing you can do is also the most radical. To say nothing, to walk away, to remain unmoved—not because you don’t feel anything, but because you finally trust yourself enough to hold what you’re feeling with grace.

    Stillness isn’t passive. It’s powerful. It’s the space where you choose yourself over the need to be right. It’s where you release control, not because you’ve given up, but because you’ve risen above. It’s where you remember that not everything deserves a response, and not everyone deserves a seat at your table.

    It’s in that space—between the trigger and the response—that we reclaim our soft power. That we remind ourselves we are not puppets pulled by strings of emotion or insecurity. We are the string-cutters. The pattern-breakers. The peace-holders. And that means knowing when to speak and when to stay still.

    There will always be noise. Always be drama. Always be people who try to test your growth. But you don’t have to take the bait. You don’t have to prove how far you’ve come. Let your peace do the talking. Let your energy be too expensive for nonsense. Let your stillness become your softest—and strongest—move yet.

    With love-

    Evelyn